ArtemisOrion Fowl
by princessninjawarrior
Summary: Artemis Fowl finds himself cured of Atlantis Complex, only for his friends to notice some severe side-effects! How will they deal with the new Artemis? See how even this changed Artemis manages to create suspense and adventure!
1. Waking Up a New Person

Chapter 1

**This is my first fanfiction. This is a continuation after "Atlantis Complex". Please leave reviews/comments!**

**I don't own any of the characters in Artemis Fowl, only Eoin Colfer can say that. **

He woke up with a pounding headache, feeling confused and disoriented. He struggles to sit up and is rewarded with a bright light flashed in his eyes.

"Hey, everyone! Look, he's up! The little genius finally is done his nap," shouted a stout figure excitedly.

"Wha...?" Artemis winced as the figure's loud voice drilled through his head. "Where am I? And where's Butl—Oh my!"

He only got this much out because all of a sudden he recognized the oddly shaped person.

"Why, it's you, Foaly!" Upon closer inspection he found that Holly, Foaly and Butler were all watching him behind a thick window.

"I see. Well, one question's been answered, but one still remains. Where am I?"

"I'll answer that one Mud Boy," declared Short. "You are in the finest Atlantean mental hospital below the earth! Does any of this sound familiar?"

"Hmmm... I see. Why am I here? No no! Wait! I remember now. Atlantean complex, was it not? Ah yes, those little demon fours. Not surprising, really. Getting dragged into a demon's dimension for even a brief amount of time takes a lot out of a person."

Butler stepped inside the gray, drab room, containing only a hospital bed and Artemis. "Are you feeling better?"

"Why of course! No fours to worry about, and no fives to count!"

"Well then you won't mind our usual test of this... What is 263.8 x 49.75? What is the capital of Ecuador? How old are you?"

"Calm down, good friend! But, as you wish. Um let's see... Well that would be about, uh... hmmm. Give me a minute here. Well, I can easily answer one of these questions. I am 14 years old."

4 pairs of wide, shocked eyes stared at Artemis. Butler knew the answers to the questions beforehand. Questions Artemis could usually answer in a near comatose state. They were 13 124.05, Quito, and _15 and a half years of age. _Everyone wondered if this was an instance of Artemis' dry humour, or if there was something quite wrong with their young friend.

"Artemis," Butler started, "did you say you were 14?"

"Of course! Well, maybe 14 and a bit if you're being technical, but who needs that?"

Again all faces look towards him in confusion and shock. Master Fowl was the person in this group most likely to want, even demand, technicalities!

"Foaly, we've got a situation," Holly whispered to her friend, "Did this treatment have a side-effect of memory loss?"

"No! It would be too risky! I patented this remedy, so it can't have that severe of a side-effect!" Holly gave the centaur a look that led him to quickly follow up with, "But I can search that up just in case..." He nervously whinnied while the search completed.

"Here we have it," he started, "No memory lo—wait a minute! Oh my gods! How can this be?"

"What? What? Tell me in simple terms, for you know I'm not one for patience," demanded Butler.

_An awful lot of anger and veiled threats headed my direction, _Foaly thought. _I get no respect. _But luckily he said this only in his head. In plain English he said, "There's a slight miniscule chance of memory loss when using the treatment for Atlantis Complex. And also a slight chance of decrease in knowledge."

Butler gave Foaly a look that spoke 1000 words. "How could you overlook this? This is NOT a minor problem that can be fixed! Explain yourself!" roared Butler.

"Ok, take it easy," he said shifting nervously, "No need to alarm ourselves. Let's just be glad the Atlantis Complex is gone and Artemis is healthy again."

"Umm hello? Still in the room, over here!" said Artemis.

_Who is this, and what have they done to the real Artemis? Artemis would never stoop to such low vocabulary and manners. We must go along with him until we reverse him to his old ways, _thought Butler.

"Never you mind! All's well! We will take the first shuttle home and along the way I shall have some..._interesting_ stories to tell you." Butler had formed a plan. Maybe he could trigger back the memories by telling Artemis about his forgotten adventures, starting with his rescuing the demons, time traveling to save a lemur, and defeating Turnball Root. _This had better work...  
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**Did you like it? Tell me what you think in reviews! Thanks! Stay tuned for next chapter!**


	2. Orion's Back in Town

**I wish I was cool enough to own Artemis Fowl. But I don't.**

The youth sat in the LEP shuttle, pondering the news Butler had so suddenly sprung on him. A ghost of his old intellect came up, and Artemis decided that the Atlantis Complex treatment was a reasonable excuse for this whole mess.

"So... How does this news affect you?" inquired Butler.

"I think... I think I can handle it. It all makes sense. When the Atlantis Complex developed into multiple personality disorder, it gave me a would-be alter ego, Orion. I think these treatments have merged "Orion" and "Artemis" into one person. Me."

"I see. Are you upset?"

"No, my good friend, I don't think so. Allow me to think for now in silence," kindly ordered Artemis.

Many thoughts swirled inside the boy's head, but the most prominent one would shock anyone who knew anything regarding Artemis Fowl. _Apparently when I was saving the demons and doing the whole time-travelling business there was a girl involved. A genius, like me, or at least like I used to be. What did Butler tell me her name was? Miranda? No. Michelle? No. Minerva! That's it! How could I forget about this girl? At my approximation it has been a year and a half since we last met. She was 12 and a half, so now she is... 14! Like me! Or how I feel... since biologically I'm 15 and a half... I will find her! There was so much potential!_

All of a sudden, it seemed to Butler, Artemis cried, "I must ask Foaly!"

"Excuse me? Did I miss a train of thought here? I can contact him if you'd like," replied a dazed Butler.

"Yes, please!"

Butler expertly prodded the touch screen a couple times until Foaly's face filled the screen.

"How goes it man of the mud? How're the memories fitting in your mind?" asked an eager centaur.

"Fine, fine. I need you to do a quick search for me on your top of the line computer. Quickly." Artemis knew the fastest way to persuade Foaly of something was to compliment any gadget of his.

"Why of course! Did I show you how much faster it goes now? You'll be amazed!"

"Just run the search!"

"Fine, fine! A little testy are we? What am I searching for?"

"Minerva... uhhh. Butler! What was her last name?"

A confused bodyguard replied, "It was Paradizo, but I can assure you that she is no threat to us."

As soon as "Paradizo" came out Artemis was shrieking at Foaly, "Minerva Paradizo! Find me where she lives and an updated picture of her!"

Foaly was puzzled, but knew from experience that sometimes it was better not to ask questions. Butler however was more vocal with his concerns and questions.

"Artemis! What are you doing? Why is this _girl_ suddenly so important?" Butler trailed off, looking at the expression on Artemis' face. He was gazing at her picture with an expression Butler had never seen on this youth before, _love_.

"Oh no! Please Artemis, tell me you're joking! You told me once that you would be the first person to ever control their hormones. If the situation is so severe you shouldn't be concerned with _this_ right now," screamed Butler. He only partly understood the situation.

"524 Luna Crescent, England," mumbled Artemis, but in a quick change of tone, yelled, "Come on Butler! No time to dawdle! I must see her at once!"

"Woah! We aren't going anywhere until you give me some reasons for this!" exclaimed Butler.

"I must see her! I miss her and I feel eternally guilty for leaving her without a single message for what appears to a year and a half! I must go see my lady!" insisted Artemis.

"Oh brother," said Foaly, "you can borrow the shuttle, but try to have it back in one piece!" He shut down his camera so the screen was blank again.

"ARTEMIS! This is clearly the "Orion" side of you speaking. Are you fully in command of your mental capabilities?"

"Of course! Stop delaying!"

"Hmmm... What is the formula for area of a circle?"

Artemis sighed. "If you insist. It is pi r squared. No pie are round. People who get this joke are square!" Artemis burst out laughing at his cheesy joke. Butler was worried. _The old Artemis would never tell a joke like that! What have we got ourselves into?_ He wondered.

"Now, off we go!" insisted Artemis, "I must see my lovely maiden! Take me to her!"

Butler entered the coordinates into the GPS and set off without a word. His soldier's sense wasn't tingling, but he still had a pretty bad feeling about this...

**What adventures could be coming up? Will Artemis find Minerva? Will Minerva remember Artemis? Stay tuned till next chapter! Thanks! Oh and did you love the math joke? Only certain people can get it! Review if you did! Review if you didn't! Until next time! Ta-ta! (Oh and I'm sorry that all the lines are stuck together but I can't figure out how to space them properly! Please review if you can tell me how to do it!)**


	3. He Owes Diggums Big Time

**Hi again! Next chapter here for you!**

**Every night I wish upon a star to own Artemis Fowl, but it still hasn't worked. **

Artemis looked out his window, staring longingly at a classy mansion in the northern part of England.

"So close, yet so far," the youth muttered to himself.

The whole way there Artemis tried to figure out what to say to Minerva. Would she remember him? Would she think he was a jerk for ditching her, or that he was a gentleman, coming back to see her? Unfortunately, they were in a Section 8 shuttle. It shielded them completely out of view, but it got them to their destination so quickly that Artemis couldn't come up with a plan. The "Artemis" part of this boy was annoyed that his intellect had left him, and that no ingenious plans were coming to mind. The "Orion" part kept urging him to simply ring the doorbell and say _hello._ The combination of these two decided to ignore them both and keep thinking.

"Uh sir...?"

"Butler, I insist you call me Artemis. Please."

"Alright. _Artemis_, how long must we wait shielded at the end of this girl's driveway?"

"I'm sorry. I need to make a good impression, but I can't figure out a classy, kind way to do it!"

"Si—Artemis, please just go ring the doorbell. If this girl remembers you, which she will, then there will be no problems. Even if she doesn't remember you, you can make up an excuse and quickly leave. If it turns out that she remembers and _hates_ you, well... You may need Orion's charm to help calm her."

"I understand you're trying to help, but the _real_ problem is if she remembers and likes me."

"That makes no sense," Butler said, furrowing his brow. Artemis went on to explain.

"I've changed so much. She's bound to notice I'm different! And also, I have ZERO practice talking to girls. In fact, I have _less_ than zero practice because I was a self-centred little bugger back then. If she _does_ happen to like me I will be totally unprepared! I may blurt out something stupid! I may not respond at all! This has to be perfect the first time!"

"Calm down! You'll be fine, just go see her."

"Fine! I will go unprepared to make my only first impression on the girl of my dreams! Any _helpful_ advice Butler?"

"Hmm. Uh, I'm a little bit out of practice, seeing as how I've been by your side for the past 15 years... Make sure to compliment her. OH! And bring her a gift!"

"Where in this infernal shuttle am I going to find a _gift_?"

"I don't know! And one last thing, make sure you ask for a way to contact her so you can see her again! I don't want to have to ask Foaly to hack into her data base for this again!"

"Fine, fine, I'll remember. Now help me look for a present!"

Artemis and Butler started scrambling around the fairy shuttle, looking for a suitable gift. Well, Artemis scrambled, while Butler looked around while trying to imagine Master Artemis talking to a girl. He nearly burst out laughing, but one does not have a blue diamond tattoo without learning some measure of self-control.

Together they opened every cupboard, drawer and cabinet they could find. They also uncovered a few hidden compartments that Foaly apparently hadn't wanted them to find. There was a jar of hoof moisturizer in one, and a carton of carrot juice in another.

"Argh! Why is this so hard? Do I _really_ need a gift?" groaned Artemis.

"Well... you don't _need_ one. But if you want to make the best impression possible, it could definitely help."

Artemis let out a grunt of frustration and took out his anger on the wall nearest him. When he finally stopped punching it Butler looked at it in awe.

"What _are_ you looking at? I hope I didn't ruin the shuttle. Foaly _did_ ask for it back in one piece."

Butler ignored him and started poking at the piece of wall Artemis had begun destroying. There was a tiny crack in the wall, in a perfectly straight line. It was barely perceptible to the naked eye, but Butler saw it. He executed a focused finger jab at the crack and a tiny hidden door swung open. Artemis finally caught on to what Butler had just found and advanced towards the hidden compartment. Carefully, he swung open the thin door. It was made of top-of-the-line fairy metal, made to withstand anything. Of course, the fairies weren't expecting _Butler_ to try and break it down. Artemis peeked inside, hoping for the best.

"It's perfect."

Butler gazed at the shiny object inside. He nodded in agreement. It _was_ perfect. All of Artemis' doubts washed away as he picked up the sparkling gift. He was ready. He slipped the item into his coat pocket and quickly strode out the door before his mind could convince him otherwise.

**Ideas? Thoughts? What do you think his gift is? Sorry if you guys were expecting Minerva in this chapter, but she'll come soon! I promise! Please review! All of you fanfictioners out there know the thrill of reading a review so please return the favour! Until next chapter, bye!**


	4. Take a Chance On Me

**Hello! I did it. I got it out. Finally. I know it's been a while since the last one, so thanks to anyone reading. Artemis goes to Minerva. Enjoy. I worked for this chapter, so review! This chapter is really long, so I'm not sure when the next one will be out. I'll try, but you better review.**

"_Please state the purpose of your presence and look into the camera to your left,_" dully stated an intercom at Minerva's front door. What am I supposed to say? _Hi, my name is Artemis; I'm here to profess my love to Minerva. _Shaking my head, I simply say "This is Artemis Fowl, here to pay Minerva Paradizo a visit." I then turn my head and smile into the camera.

I hear noises inside, and wait a solid 3 minutes before I receive any communication.

"_She'll accept your visit. Please follow the butler when he opens the door to you, and he will lead you to her lounge._"

I grin, and greet the grim man who opens the door with a "hello", and then follow as he silently leads me inside the gorgeous home. We go up a beautiful, sweeping staircase, and then a second one, and pass over lush carpets. He leads me to a room at the end of a hall, and with a bow, leaves me to fulfill my desire. I'm aware that there are an abundance of cameras watching my every move, and Minerva may be watching me right now, but I hesitate before entering. I wonder if I should knock, or just go in. What will I say? How should I act?

"Butler," I whisper quietly, although I know he can't help me. I pull my gift out of my pocket just for an instant, for courage. Just as I go to knock on her mahogany door, it flies away from me, and is instead replaced by the occupant herself. She's not how I remembered. She's much, much better. The year and a half has changed her, I assume intellectually, but my newfound teenage hormones notice mainly the physical aspects. Before I get too distracted, I glance up, and try to speak.

"Hi, I'm Artemis Fowl. How are you?" I manage. I'm ashamed to have said that. Really? The best I can do is introduce myself, while she already knows who I am, and ask her how she is. I suppress the urge to flee, that, or hit my head against the wall multiple times.

"Arty...? It's been ages! Where have you been? I missed y—I mean, I never heard from you, so I wondered."

Was she about to say she missed me? My face breaks into a grin without my consent.

"Well, it's sort of a long story, but I really wanted to come see you." I look up shyly at her, and add, "I missed you too." This could be a risky move, but if it's successful, it will be a very good tactic. She smiles back at me, but looks a little confused. I forgot she would be used to the genius, loner-type Artemis. This will be fun to explain...

Minerva steps aside, so I follow her into her lounge. It is a massive, wonderfully decorated room. It seems as though she doesn't get many visitors, because there is simply a desk, and one couch, while the rest of the space is occupied with numerous bookshelves, computers, and different pieces of art. I gaze in awe, astounded by this majestic room.

"So what's the reason for your visit? Not that I mind, I just mean why now?" She fumbled a bit, and had a hint of blush on her cheeks. Her eyes kept darting to the cozy couch on the other side of the room. "But first, please allow me to be a better hostess. Come, sit." She looked nervous suggesting we sit together on this couch, conveniently named a "loveseat". I notice how she has changed from complete genius language, to simply an intelligent-teenage-girl-type language. It was a welcome surprise that my vocabulary wouldn't seem too out of place.

"Of course!" I sat down next to this gorgeous woman and turned to face her. How ridiculous to place this small a couch in this large a room. Then again, it does allow me to be quite close to her, which is quite a benefit. I refuse to let my mind wander to whether there is another guy she had this couch planned for. She looks at me expectantly, and I take that as my cue to start. I take a deep breath and begin.

I talk about demons, inter-dimension travelling, amnesia, age confusion, and very importantly, Orion. When I finish, I'm afraid to look up at her, in case she's angry, or too confused, or thinks I'm mocking her.

"Wow." She finally breaks the silence that was verging on awkward. "So… I guess I know why you never called me." She smiles, and winks at me.

"To be fair, you never gave me your number." I protested.

"I'm sure it would take more than that to stop you. You obviously figured a couple things out, otherwise you wouldn't be here."

"I'm sorry, but the suspense is killing me. What are you thinking?" I finally blurt out.

She chuckles. "Well, it sounds impossible, really. It would never happen in a million years." I feel despair creeping up on me. She doesn't believe me. I sigh, and start to get up and leave when she continues speaking.

"Where are you going? You have to let me finish. The story is so incredible, which is why it obviously happened. No fool would show up with a story that detailed and confusing without it being true. Also, you're Artemis Fowl. I remember your luck." She grins at me, and the next thing I know, I have my arms wrapped around her. She hesitates for a moment, but then joins me in the embrace. After a moment we straighten up and I clear my throat, embarrassed.

Right at that moment, I remember Butler's words of advice. The gift. I still had it in my pocket. This might be the best chance I'll get to give it to her. I gather some courage, and address her.

"I have something for you, a gift."

"Really? That's so sweet of you!"

I blush, but I force myself to proceed. "You have to close your eyes and stick out your hands."

She laughs a bit, but complies, and shuts her eyes, while thrusting her arms out at me. I think of my gift, and how perfect it is.

In the secret compartment in the shuttle, I noticed how its walls glowed in the dark, with just a slight luminescence. It was stirring around in my mind, and I saw it was the work of a dwarf. Not just any dwarf, but Mulch Diggums. Vague pieces of memories came together when I saw this bright object. I remembered it was from our deception of Opal Koboi, an evil pixie. Mulch had to creep into her shuttle for our mission. I suppose he saw this delightful -and priceless- article and decided to keep it. He mustn't have had time to retrieve it, so Butler and I found it. Opal's diamond earring, the size of an egg. Unfortunately there was only one earring, but he conveniently had strung it on a chain, so it made for a breath-taking necklace.

"Um… Hello? Are my eyes closed for a reason?" Minerva's question snapped me back to the present. In the shuttle, I honestly had all intentions of giving it to her, but looking at her face, I just couldn't do it. A secondary gift idea came to me, and it rooted itself in my mind.

Before I could stop myself, I pocket the gem and lean into Minerva. I don't think about it, for fear I would convince myself not to, but instead press my lips against hers, hoping for a reaction. I see her eyes snap open, and I quickly put a few feet's distance between us.

"I, I, I have to go!" I stammer, but Minerva drags me back down to the couch before I could leave. A smile splits Minerva's face, but I barely have time to notice before she pulls me into another kiss. This time, it's my turn to be shocked, but I don't take very long to forget my insecurities. No words could describe this ecstasy, not even the words the old Artemis knew. I don't know how long we sat there. It was much too short for my liking, but also felt like years had passed. We eventually broke apart and I could feel my face matching Minerva's, grinning like fools.

"Wow." That didn't cover it on any level, but it was all I could manage.

"I know. And you tried to run away from this!" She begins to laugh at me, but I'm in such a good mood that it doesn't matter. "That was some present!"

I laugh with her, wishing I had been bold enough to plan that at the beginning, instead of making it up on the spot. One question was on both our minds now. I voiced it.

"What now?"

"Well, if what you're saying is true -and I don't doubt you- then we are essentially the same age. We're lucky that this wouldn't end up being quite creepy. I have no parents to speak of, and yours think you're dead." I wince, but she continues. "I see no problem with… with having a relationship. If you want one, that is!" She looks away, creating crimson spots on her cheeks.

"How do you think I feel? I made the first move."

"Well, technically I invited you on the couch first."

"Yes, but I found your house."

"Fine…"

"I've told you all about me, why don't you tell me about you? Do you have a boyfriend?" I say with a wink.

"Oh yeah, tons of guys want to hook up with me. My phone is off the hook." She sighs. "Are you kidding me? No one wants to go out with me. I'm not that blonde, pretty twig, who goes shopping and competes against her friends to see who can get the most BBM contacts and win the popularity contest!" She seemed to need to vent, so I let her. "No one wants to see a girl who –God forbid- needs to wear a size 6! It's a size 0, or you're worth zero." She let out a noise of frustration and buried her head in her hands. I decided to intervene.

"Hey, don't worry, I was just joking," I said soothingly. "I think you're smoking hot. I mean, look at you!"

"Oh stop!"

"Seriously! I could go into detail, but that would only embarrass me _and_ you."

I take a moment to appreciate her curves. She was not the typical twig, as she had pointed out, but she was gorgeous. I felt weird thinking about girls this way, as it was a first. Her butt was cute and round. She had a decently small waist, which led up to full breasts, just tempting me. She had full lips, and long eyelashes. She had long hair, pulled into a ponytail, which I suspected was striking when put down. She wore glasses which, in my opinion, suited her. I supposed she noticed me surveying her body, because she crossed her arms over her chest and spoke.

"Ok, I get it. No need to be so obvious." She clearly wasn't mad however, because I saw a hint of a smile playing on her lips. Her next words proved this point as well. "How would you like it if I stared at your crotch? Feels kind of weird, doesn't it?"

Many flirty, or even provocative sentences came to mind. _I don't mind at all, in fact I quite enjoy it. Do you want a closer look? I think I need to prove just how hot I think you are._ Fortunately, I said none of these. I simply raised one eyebrow and smirked at her, letting her make whatever she wanted out of that.

**Like it? Review. Please. Imagine how long it takes to write, compared to how long it takes to review. Motivate me!**


	5. Playing Games

We burst out laughing, and I'm out of breath by the end of it. I can't remember the last time I've had this much fun! Then again, I can't remember very much, but my point still stands. I look at Minerva smiling, and I feel all warm inside.

"So I told you a bit about my recent issues, but what's new with you?" I ask.

"Well, I'm pretty much done school, because I've passed high school already. I might go to university later, but I wonder how much they could teach me anyway." I laugh at this, but I force myself to remember that she's not joking. "I'm also working on developing a new software program. I'm thinking something for managing money, but in a new way."

"Sounds interesting," I say, mainly out of etiquette. My new brain can't handle very much talk about these intelligent subjects.

"Ha! I don't expect you to humour me," she laughs. "I'm also working with the stock market, trying to make enough money to sustain me long term. Not very interesting, is it?"

"If you're involved, it's always interesting!" I grin.

"When did you become such a suck-up?" she jokes.

I smile, but Butler comes to mind suddenly, and how he's still in the shuttle waiting for me. I don't know how long he expected me to be, but the thought of leaving now is unbearable. I hope he doesn't mind waiting, because I plan on staying longer.

"So like you asked before: What now?" asked Minerva.

I clear my throat, suddenly nervous for what I am about to say. "Minerva?"

"Yes?"

"Would you like to be my girlfriend? We could go to Italy for a bit and travel Europe. I don't remember any of my European trips. What do you say?"

She bursts into a fit of giggles, and doesn't seem to be in control of herself. Embarrassment floods through me, and I feel ashamed for asking. Apparently kissing a guy for a while doesn't mean anything. My stupid inexperienced self can't even tell me if this is normal!

"Why are you laughing at me?" I finally demand.

"Oh! I'm sorry! I just couldn't help myself!" Minerva wipes tears from her eyes, still recovering from her laughter. "I'm not really laughing _at_ you, but it's just so funny!"

"Har-dee-har!"

"You're just so different from anyone I've ever met! Firstly, because you asked me to be your girlfriend. Mostly because of how you asked."

"What was wrong with how I asked?" I thought it was pretty classy.

"Most people wouldn't just go out and ask it. The conventional way to do this is to date for a while, and after a certain point you can be boyfriend/girlfriend. It's definitely not normal to propose a European trip along with it, either! I know you lost some memory, but it was still surprising."

"Oh. How was I supposed to know? This isn't really my area of expertise! Anyway, since we're pretty unconventional: Will you be my girlfriend?"

"Didn't you hear me before? I'm not going to agree to this before we date!"

"Are you serious?"

"Yes! If this is the only time I'll be normal, then I will do this properly."

"Fine…" I grumble a bit, but secretly I think it might be cool to date for a bit. "Would you like to go out with me?"

"Let me check my calendar. Call me later."

"Why don't you check it now?"

"Because a lady must always leave a guy wanting more, and being uncertain."

Girls are so confusing. The games they play are unbelievable.

"Ok…" I try to figure out what to say next. "So, can I get your number, or is that a violation of the 'girl code'?"

She laughs. "Yes, you can have my number. I'll program it into your phone for you. Hand it over."

I blush. "I don't have a phone right now," I say sheepishly. "You can write it down for me, if you want."

"Are you serious? No phone? Alright. You'd figure the boy genius would have one, but whatever."

"I've been busy! I had Atlantis Complex! Pardon me for not buying a phone immediately after I recovered!"

"Ok, ok! You're going to get one, though."

"Of course."

"Good. So I guess I'll hear from you soon, when you call me later."

"This is ridiculous!" I protest. "You know I'm going to call, and you can check your calendar right now! I bet you don't even need to check!"

"Time to go! Call me!" she says playfully.

I growl, but lean in quickly and kiss her. I put one hand on the small of her back and the other in her hair, pulling her close to me. I try to be passionate, but my prior experience doesn't give me much to work with. Then, just to play games with her, I pull away quickly and yell "I'll call you later!" as I run out her front door.

I look around for the shuttle, but I don't see one. I softly call out, "Butler" and pray for a response. Right behind me I hear "Yes, Master Artemis?" Butler steps out of the shadows, and stands beside me, surveying for dangers.

"Where's the shuttle? I have so much to tell you! I'll fill you in while we go get me a new cell phone!"

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	6. Decisions, Decisions

We sit in the shuttle, shielded, a little ways from Minerva's house. It seems as though Butler can't choose which emotion to portray after I tell him what happened. It flips through amusement, pride, and shock, and more than once Butler seems like he will start laughing at me. Luckily he is trained for this restraint. I left out the part where we were kissing on the couch, but Butler's expression tells me he can guess what happened. I ended my story with how I need to call her later and plan a date.

"So Butler, I need your help."

"Clearly," he says with a smirk.

"Hey! I didn't do that bad on my own!"

"You're right," he concedes, "but the fight's only just started."

Only Butler would compare my love life to a fight, I think with a laugh. "Yes. I need to plan a spectacular date that can be flexible on time depending what day she's free. It has to be fun and romantic, without being too cliché. Not that I would even know what is cliché or not."

"Why don't you just find out the day she's available first, and then plan it?" suggests Butler.

"I can't, because then I seem unprepared."

"Hmph," Butler grunts. "Why don't you tell her it's a surprise? That way you can plan whatever you want, and you can seem prepared."

"That's it! Genius, Butler!" He seems pleased. "That still doesn't address the main issue: What will I do for the date?"

"Let's make a list! You love lists."

"I _loved_ lists. Right now I don't care for them, but we can give it a try."

Butler finds a pad of paper and a pen, and we spend the next hour brainstorming. At the end our list and notes looked like this:

(_Butler's ideas in italics_ and Artemis' ideas underlined)

_Ziplining_- Fun, but too risky, she may hate heights. No alone time.

Candlelight dinner out- Romantic, but too boring. Not original enough.

_Paintballing_- Amusing, but too painful. Too much athletics. Not romantic.

Movie- Can be romantic and fun, but too cliché. No thought put into it.

_Travel_- Romantic and original, but Minerva said it would be weird.

Hot air balloon- Romantic, original, fun. Risky if she hates heights. Alone time.

Finally on our 6th idea, we found the winner. I was trained in hot air balloon flight before the whole Atlantis Complex. By some miracle I am actually able to remember this, so I could man the balloon myself, and therefore have plenty of romantic alone time with Minerva. As Butler reminded numerous times, I'm screwed if she's afraid of heights. I'll hope for the best, and see how it goes.

"This time actually give her the gift, ok?" Butler says, half-scolding, half-joking.

"I will, don't worry," I reassure him. I didn't exactly tell him that I gave Minerva a different "gift", but just said I forgot because I was too nervous. He didn't need to know. "So I need to get a phone now. What's in these days, Butler?"

"I have this beautiful one, GPS capability, satellite connection, thermal energy detector, camera wiper, the whole deal. Top of the line, and a personal favorite."

"Butler! I'm trying to seem normal! I don't want to seem like some sort of spy who's constantly in danger." Before Butler can remind me that I actually used to be this, I press on. "What's popular with regular kids my age?" I clarify.

"Oh. Well the main categories are Blackberries, Iphones, or regular phones. Iphones are top of the line, fancy and chic phones. Blackberries are good for social media and keeping in touch. Other phones can be slide, flip, or touch."

"I don't want to seem too fancy, though!"

"Don't worry; even 10 year olds have these phones now. It's a little scary."

"If you say so. Let's go take a look and I'll see which one I like." We guide the shuttle toward the nearest electronics store and I browse around the models. I touch all the touch screens, flip all the phones, slide all the keyboards, and press all the buttons. I test cameras, music, ringtones, reception, and check out different colours. It is a long and tedious process, but I finally decide on a phone.

"This one," I tell Butler.

"Finally! Took you long enough! Are you sure you don't want a Blackberry or Iphone?"

"Yes, I'm sure. I want to seem normal, but not like every other person on the planet."

The phone I chose had a slide-out keyboard, as well as the option to type on the touch screen. It had a camera and could play music you put on it. It was black and white, and was relatively small compared to the other monstrosities.

We walk up to a salesperson to buy the phone and set up a plan. It's boring, but I try to pay attention to what I can and cannot do on my phone. My plan covers talk and text, and allows limited internet searches and picture messages. Minerva will be so impressed. When we finally finish and leave, I program Minerva's number, as well as a few others, into my phone. I decide to wait until after supper to call her. If she wants to create suspense, I'll just wait longer to play along, and see how she likes it.

The time drags by as I wait for it to be late enough to call. I run through what I hope to say to her.

"Hello Minerva. How are you? I miss you already! I know this is shocking, but would you like to go on a date with me?" She'll check her calendar, and agree of course, and I'll say "Lovely, splendid!" She'll ask where we'll go, and I'll simply reply with, "That is a surprise! It wouldn't be nearly as much fun if it wasn't! Just meet me in Roundabout Park at 6pm on your requested day." It will be classy, and I'll sound cool and collected.

I take a deep breath and pull up her number on my phone. I quickly call her before I get too nervous. My anxiety is stupid; she's already agreed to go out. Nevertheless my stomach has battling butterflies in it. A voice is on the other line, interrupting my thoughts.

"Hello?"

I clear my throat nervously. "Hi. It's Artemis."

"Oh hey! What's up?"

I am unused to this kind of banter, so I freeze for a second. Then I remember an old joke I heard somewhere.

"The ceiling!"

She laughs. "Nice one. So what would be the purpose of your call?" I would bet anything that she was grinning while saying that.

"Well… I was wondering if you'd like to go out with me." My prior planning is gone, and I am left making up my dialogue as I go.

"Hm… Let me check. I'll see if I can fit you in between all my numerous lovers." She covers her receiver with her hand, but I hear papers rustling. "It seems I'm free Friday. How's that?"

Today is Wednesday, so waiting until Friday will be killer. I try not to show this. "Sure, sounds great. How about you meet me at 6?"

She giggles. "Where are we going, silly? Don't you think 6am is a little early?"

"Not am, PM!" I groan. She really enjoys making this difficult. "I can't tell you what we're doing, it's a surprise! Just meet me at Roundabout Park at 6PM." I manage to regain the composure I planned before I called.

"Ooooh so mysterious! I like it. How do I dress though? I need to be prepared."

"Just dress in your usual gorgeous way, and I'll provide the rest. Don't worry about a thing!"

"Ok…" she says skeptically.

"Trust me." I add in a low voice, "You'll definitely need to for our date."

"What was that?"

"Nothing, nothing! I can't wait to see you, and I'll text you later!"

"Bye!"

"Bye," I say, as I hang up.

I start hollering inside the shuttle and do a tiny dance. Unfortunately Butler sees me, and even his super control can't prevent him from laughing at me this time. I would normally be embarrassed, but I'm too happy to be bothered right now.

**Review! Do it!**


	7. Planning Time

I review my list, checking over all that has to be done for my date tomorrow. Butler was right when he said I loved lists; they are so convenient! It's now Thursday just after lunch, and I have a bit over 24 hours to plan out the best date I can.

"So, Artemis, can you run through the list once more, just so I can make sure I don't miss anything?" Butler asks, as he pulls out a pad of paper. He finally stopped calling me "Master", for which I am very grateful.

"Sure. So we need to rent the hot air balloon first."

"Um… You already sort of own one. It's a lovely turquoise colour and is fully functional," Butler points out.

"That's news to me! Well, there's one thing done. Next I have to pack us a supper, something sophisticated, but not too fancy, while still being date-appropriate and having the ability to be eaten while high up in the air."

"That will be difficult to find," comments Butler.

"Helpful, Butler. Next I must choose what I will wear to the date."

"Ok, next?"

"I have to go over the rules and controls of hot air balloon flight."

"I'll help you with that later, don't worry."

"Thanks. Lastly, I need to go through conventional endings to dates. Do I ask her out again right away? Do I say I'll call her? Do I ask her to call me? I need to learn some basics so I am somewhat prepared," I say, starting to get stressed at the impossibility of this task. There is no way to learn an entire teenage culture and tradition in one day!

"Artemis, I know you're inexperienced, and your mind may be a bit scrambled, but you're going about this all wrong. Minerva likes you for yourself. I agree you should know some manners and etiquette, but you are allowed to be original when it comes to romance. It's wrong to try and be like the 'normal' guy planning a date. However you see a date, that's how you should plan it. If she doesn't like it, maybe you shouldn't be together anyway. Be yourself, and enjoy your time. Do what you feel is right, and it will end up being a good choice."

My mouth is probably open wide as I stand gaping at Butler. I had no idea he was capable of this sort of advice and emotion. I ponder his words for a moment before speaking.

"Thank you so much, Butler. I think that was exactly what I needed to hear. When did you become so wise?" I joke, but his guidance sincerely moved me.

"We've been to many places together. I've picked stuff up along the way, including how to tell you what will help you most."

"Thank you," I repeat. I get up and walk away from Butler, and meander into the kitchen. I was initially going to eat something, but I remember that I need to plan food for tomorrow. I look in cupboards, the fridge, the freezer, and even the cellar, checking out all my options. I will need some appetizers or snacks. Then there will be the main course, perhaps something light so we won't be sick in our balloon. Lastly we need some dessert.

I wish we would have talked about food when I last saw her, because I have no idea what she likes. I remember Butler's advice, and do what I think is right: I go find Butler to ask him.

"Butler, I need help. I don't know what food Minerva likes."

"I see. Do you want me to talk to Foaly? He got the shuttle picked up yesterday by the way, so we no longer have that at our disposal. I'm sure he could find out what she likes. Or maybe I could sneak near her house and—"

"No! None of that! I'm going to do this in a somewhat normal way!"

"Well then how do you expect me to know what she likes?"

"I don't know! You have more experience with girls than I do! What do girls like to eat?"

"They're not all the same, you know."

"Obviously, but there must be something!"

"Well, as a general comment, don't pick spicy food. Too risky for a first date. Also, pick foods native to her culture. Even if it's not as original as you'd like, it will most likely be safe. Simple is often better if you're unsure."

"Okay, so I'll stick to foods she knows. Thank you once more! I'll probably be back to bother you soon!" I say as I head back to the kitchen.

After about an hour of searching, I decide to stick with basic elements from all four food groups. I'll skip the appetizer, and just make the main meal some finger-foods. I thought of taking Pillsbury croissants and filling them with different things before cooking them. I decided on cream cheese, ham, and chocolate chips as my three types of fillings. It looks easy enough to make, but she'll also know I made them myself. I just hope she likes them. For dessert I plan to make chocolate covered strawberries. Delicious and sort of nutritious is my plan for them. In this meal I have all 4 food groups, and it seems basic and easy to like.

I'm quite proud of my meal. In theory it seems like the perfect solution. In practice, it will be much harder. My cooking skills are sub-par, and there's always the question of if she'll like them. This is the best I can do, though. I go tell Butler my plan and he gives me a nod of approval. I plan on making all the food tomorrow during the day, before I meet her.

I decide to tackle my next issue now, while I'm not doing anything and am focused. How to dress for the date? I have no clue what guys my age are wearing, and even if I did, I doubt I would wear the same thing.

I walk upstairs into my room and go straight into my walk-in closet. It's filled with dress pants, jeans, sweat pants, shoes, collared shirts, graphic t-shirts, sweaters, and almost any other kind of garment you can imagine. All are new, and some still have tags on them. It's such a waste, but I have a larger task at hand now. I rule out sweat pants for sure, but I am unsure if I should wear dress pants or jeans. I'm tempted to call Butler again, but determination floods through me, and I suddenly want to accomplish this by myself. I pull out two pairs of pants: a pair of black jeans, and a pair of navy dress pants.

Next I must conquer the shirt. I scan the racks of shirts quickly. I pull out a graphic t-shirt of a band I've never heard of, but that looks modern and conventional. Next I pull out a light blue button-up shirt that has black stripes going vertically. Lastly, I pull out a black vest. I stare at my options, hoping one will jump out at me and make me pick it. No such luck.

I rule out the graphic t-shirt, thinking of how awkward it would be if she asks me about the band. I'm left with the button-up shirt, possibly paired with my vest. Deciding the pants will be most difficult, because it will determine how nice I'm trying to look. I have no idea what that should be.

An idea comes to mind that would probably make Butler laugh at me, but I'm desperate at this point. I decide to use TV or Internet to show me what guys do on dates. I turn on the TV in my room, and change the channel to Much or MTV, or whatever the channel is that's supposed to have music, but really doesn't. Some luck is with me, because the screen shows a guy taking a girl out to a concert. I watch for a bit, but deem this unhelpful, because the whole time they are just singing. I'm about to change channels, when they get up and go to a park and lie in a field, gazing at stars. This is sort of similar to my situation, so I turn the volume up and listen.

The girl shivers a bit, and the guy says, "Are you cold, Adrienne?"

"Oh, don't worry about me. I'm fine," she replies.

The guy ignores her, and slowly pulls off his sweater, exposing his abs for a second. He drapes it over her shoulders, and hugs her.

"Thanks," she says softly.

"Anytime."

The girl seems to be staring at his chest, as he left a couple buttons undone on his shirt. This, I realize, was done on purpose, for this exact reason. I may not be muscular, but I think I might be able to pull off what he just did.

I was expecting them to talk for a little while, and maybe kiss a bit, but the show goes much farther than that. The girl unbuttons his shirt all the way, and places her hands on his chest, his stomach, his back. He shrugs out of his shirt, and moves to hers. He rips hers off, leaving her in a very revealing lacy bra. I stare, transfixed, at the show. I know I should stop it, but I can't.

By now, if this was real life, the guy would definitely be showing more, er, signs of his lust. Finally when he reaches for the girl's pants I snap out of it and jab the power button on my remote, shutting off the TV. Aside from the last scene, I may have answered my wardrobe question. I may even have gained a tip on how to act alluring to girls.

I feel ridiculous for taking tips from a stupid TV show, but I have no other option. I put away the dress pants, and exchange my vest for a longer sweater. I leave my jeans and shirt out. I decide to try on the clothes, just to make sure it works.

After a minute, I stare at myself in the mirror. My black jeans fit well, and seem nice enough for a date, but not too fancy. My black sweater is pulled over my long-sleeved shirt. The sweater's sleeves are pushed up, and have the shirt's sleeves rolled up, covering it slightly. These sleeves give me a slightly messy look, but a planned messy. I look myself over once more, and being satisfied with what I see, change back into what I was wearing before.

Aside from actually making food, and getting dressed tomorrow, I'm almost done my list for my date. I only need to go over the basics of balloon flight with Butler, and then I'll be done. I smile to myself, satisfied with the day's work. Before I forget, I place Minerva's gift in the pocket of the jeans, so that I actually give it to her tomorrow. I heave a content sigh, and go find my phone so I can text the girl who will undoubtedly star in my dreams tonight.

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